4 More Ways to Encourage Resilience in Children

4 More Ways to Encourage Resilience in Children

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The Pandemic has given us a jumpstart in teaching our children about resilience, but making grit and flexibility an intentional part of our daily parenting is a gift that keeps giving over the course of a lifetime. The ability to deal with everything from minor setbacks to monumental challenges is a skill we all can improve with practice.

In Part I, we explored how to build resilience through dream boards, storytelling, play, and hobbies. In this round, we share ways to formulate confidence-building dialogue, slice problems up like a pie, allow your child to experience personal challenges, and use nature as a teaching tool for resilience.

Learn Through Dialogue and Self-talk

Children often fall into negative thought patterns, which we can help them change with the right support and repetition. For instance:

  • Be realistic. Rather than saying the first day of school will be great and your child will make tons of friends, try something like: “The first day might be a bit scary, but once you settle in, you’re likely to love the routine and the friendships.”
  • Listen and validate. Never brush heavy feelings off, no matter how silly or unrealistic they seem. Even though your instinct may be to immediately refute your child’s negativity, try to name what they’re feeling. Express your understanding and empathy by saying something like, “Wow, that sounds challenging. I think that would be challenging for me, too.”
  • Ask questions. Probing deeper can help you find out what’s causing your child to think negatively. Often, it’s not the surface level problem, but an underlying need that has not been addressed. Asking “What happened here?” can help your child walk through the escalation, so you can dial back again. You might also ask a struggling child, “What’s the hard part?” or “How can we break this down to make it easier?” These simple prompts encourage your child to switch from emotions of frustration or discouragement to a rational, problem-solving mindset.
  • Correct the record. When you run up against challenges, model positive self-talk. You might yell in frustration, “I’m a terrible cook!” and correct yourself by saying, “Actually, I’m a pretty good cook most of the time. I just messed up, but I’m not going to give up!” This shows your child even adults make mistakes and do not always think positively at first. Similarly, if you catch your child complaining, “I can’t do it!” Correct them by saying, “You can’t do it yet, you mean.”
  • Broaden the perspective. Remind your child one bad apple (or experience) doesn’t ruin the bunch (or mean your child is a failure!) If your child says something like “I’m dumb!” Education Leader Bob Cunningham recommends saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I know it’s frustrating, but that doesn’t mean you’re dumb.” If your child persists, you might say, “It makes me sad when you say that, because I know it isn’t true. You’re great at basketball, math, and dancing — so tell me why you feel this way.”
  • Encourage. Help your child reframe by reminding that “Mistakes are proof we are trying,” and by noting, “It looks like you’re working very hard on that.” Let your child know you have faith they’ll get it with time, practice, and patience. Show your support by offering, “Go as far as you can and we’ll do it together when you get stuck.”
  • Take a break. There’s no shame in taking a break. Teachers often use “calm down corners” to give kids a moment away from a frustrating task, allowing them to regroup and return to the activity at their own pace. You might say, “I can see you are feeling very upset. Let’s take a moment to do something else and come back to it when we feel ready to try again.”
  • Slice up problems like a pie.

Teaching children to be aware of their thoughts and rely on optimism can be a helpful exercise. Fifth grade teacher Amy Lyon created curriculum for her students based on the “grit pie” activity in The Optimistic Child by Martin Seligman.

The “pie” represents an obstacle the child is facing. Each slice of the pie is a potential cause of the problem. Psychologists found that children were more likely to reach a positive outcome when they considered multiple sources of the problem. Students then discuss whether each slice is permanent or temporary in nature, and assess whether they blame themselves or others.

Ideally, most problems will be viewed as temporary, they’ll take some responsibility for the cause, and they’ll see the situation as within their control to change. This activity is designed to show your child how problem-solving and perseverance can resolve challenges in life.  

While this exercise works best with elementary-age children, you can set the stage with toddlers by helping them recognize and name their emotions. Connecting with anger, fear, or sadness is the first step for kids toward developing strategies for calming down, clearing their heads, regulating their emotions, and brainstorming responses to triggering events.

Learn Through Personal Challenges

“Let your children fail” is a popular parenting trope that feels easier said than done. Supportive, but not overbearing is the goal, but it can be easier to practice in a situation that isn’t acutely stressful. An example of this could be choosing to give up something for a month – YouTube videos, complaining, or junk food, for example. The family can chart their progress, celebrate small victories, and appreciate the struggle together.

UPenn Psychologist Angela Duckworth has implemented the “Hard Thing Rule” at her house, which asks each member of the family to do something hard – something that requires practice, feedback, and trying again and again before getting better. Everyone chooses their own challenge, but must finish what they start, whether it’s a season of a sport or a session of music lessons.

The “Hard Thing Rule” is so effective because it combines passion (in choosing what to pursue) with perseverance (a promise to stick with it). Kids can build confidence and experience the benefits of their grit and determination. 

Use Nature as a Teacher

Nature is a great teacher in resilience. Certified Parent Educator Chelsea Lee Smith tried a powerful exercise involving nature with her son that you can use too.

On a nature walk, ask your child to find a small plant or sapling. If you were to ask your child what would happen by grabbing the plant, the child would probably imagine the plant would die. “What if there was a BIG storm?” you could ask next. Surely, the plant would die then!

Next, find a tree. Of course, we cannot uproot a tree so easily. “Could the tree withstand a storm?” Certainly. If your child could choose which to be in a storm, would it be a sapling or a tree? Most kids would agree it’s better to be a “stronger” tree.

Wrap up your metaphor by explaining that people are like plants and trees, and we can actually choose how strong we grow. We will all have sun (love and household rules) and rain (challenges and things other people do we can’t control) in our lives, but we can choose to soak up the sun and let a little rain help us grow our roots deep into the soil. If we only have love without challenges, we will shrivel up in the extreme heat. If we only have rain without the sun, we will get washed away. A good balance of sun and rain provides the right support we need to learn and grow stronger. Like a tree, we can be resilient, too.

Simply getting outdoors and observing what you see, soaking up the good in each moment, is a wonderful mindfulness activity that paves the way toward resilience. In order to weather the storm, we have to find the beauty and benefit in our circumstances. We need to take a moment to find inner serenity and quiet obtrusive thoughts, to be happy for what’s right in front of us.

Let’s Grow Resilient Together!

If you’re looking for your next challenge, why not try one of the classes at the brand-new Shine Studio? We have art, music, second language, dance, and other curriculum to help children from six months to 12 years grow in resilience, while building confidence, creativity, and character.

4 Ways to Encourage Resilience in Children

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Resilience — defined as “the capacity to overcome difficulty” — is an essential life skill.

And here’s what we know about resilience: the more adversity we encounter, the better we adapt to handling it.

Of course, it doesn’t come natural or easy for parents to allow their kids to experience discomfort. From the moment they’re born, we’re automatons geared toward stopping their little tears – whether it’s changing a wet diaper, warming up a bottle of milk, putting a Band-aid on a boo-boo, or refereeing a sibling disagreement.

Yet, we also see what happens when we’ve not given our kids a chance to work through setbacks on their own. Their fuses become shorter and shorter. Tears become the default – seemingly for attention – not the last resort. The most hurtful phrases come out of their tiny mouths: “I can’t do it!” or “I’m a failure!” 

So how do parents allow their children the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and discover self-confidence, without clearing the way for their self-destruction? In this two-part series, we explore resilience-building tips for children that are tested, tried, and true.

Learn through dreaming.

Students are more motivated to succeed when they have a core purpose, according to research conducted by Dr. Carol Dweck and Dr. David Yeager at the University of Texas at Austin. Psychologists shared stories illustrating how school performance can impact the world and prompted students to write essays imagining how the world could be a better place. As students developed a belief they could achieve a purposeful life, their academic scores improved.

Similarly, you can help older children develop grit (passion and perseverance) by discussing purpose in life and the goals necessary to get there. Younger children can benefit from a dream board visualization tool – a poster board with photographs and printed or cut-out images from magazines illustrating passions, hopes, and goals. 

Learn through storytelling.

Psychologist and author Maria Konnikova believes everyone can learn to become more resilient. It’s all in how we view adversity. She explains, “Frame adversity as a challenge and you become more flexible and able to deal with it, move on, learn from it, and grow.” On the other hand, if adversity is viewed as a threat, it can become a traumatic event that leads to inflexibility and negative outcomes.

Family narratives are a great way to “create meaning and provide perspective” on your child’s past, present, and future potential. Right before tucking them in at night can be a great moment for storytelling if the need doesn’t naturally arise during the day. “I noticed you were struggling with X earlier,” you might say. “Can I tell you about a time where something was really, really hard for me?” Kids love these personal stories and will often ask to hear them over and over, as a way of discovering something new about you — and about themselves. Choose stories that demonstrate challenge, illustrating how you tried to keep positive, didn’t give up, and benefited as a result of adversity. When times are tough and you feel frustrated, talk aloud to yourself to show your kids that life doesn’t come easy for you either, but you’re doing your best to cope with it and grow stronger. You may also teach using stories about famous people who used their passion and perseverance to reach long-term goals. Read about the lives of Michael Jordan, JK Rowling, Clara Barton, and others in The Failure Book: How 22 Extraordinary People Persisted and How You Can Too.

Learn through play.

Activities that involve focusing on the present moment or delaying gratification can be helpful exercises in resilience. In effect, the child learns, “I can’t always have what I really want right now, but I can still appreciate what I’m experiencing.” A five-year study conducted by the LEGO Foundation found that children of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds benefit from learning through play – which supports emotional, physical, and intellectual capabilities. The inherent joy and stimulation of multiple brain networks while playing helps develop and maintain the social and emotional skills needed to deal with challenging and changing circumstances, researchers found.

Creativity and resilience are natural byproducts when parents or teachers and children play together. Children are better able to reduce complexity and imagine positive scenarios when working with others. If you’re not much of a LEGO or block builder, you can also try playing cooperative board games, which aids with impulse control, mental flexibility, turn-taking, and activation of the prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain involved in decision-making, emotional regulation, and resilience. Baduk or Go is one game scientifically proven to increase gray matter in the brain; kids as young as five can learn to play it.

Learn through sports and hobbies.

Activities that exercise the prefrontal cortex (the home of emotional regulation) and engage the hippocampus (where memories are stored) include: musical instrument lessons, mastering a sport (like soccer or tennis), and learning a new language. Interaction between these two key brain centers increases mental flexibility that comes in handy during problem-solving and decision-making. Children can begin this process at a very young age and spend years growing in their proficiency and developing their brains to function with greater efficiency.

In addition to getting your children involved in a few structured activities, you may also choose to share your own passions – which is not only a great bonding experience — but a path to fulfillment. It’s all too easy to lose some of your identity in the transformation to becoming “mom” or “dad,” but consider what interests have fallen by the wayside. It’s never too late to carve out time to rekindle that passion and invite a child to join in the fun with you – for the sake of everyone’s gray matter! In this way, you can model determination and encourage your child to do the same.

Become More Resilient by Letting Your Inner Light Shine!

We hope you’ve found these tips helpful. Stay tuned for Part II, where we explore more ways to build resilience in the New Year. In the meantime, we invite you to stop by the brand-new Shine Studio to explore the ways art can help children work through minor struggles and setbacks. We also host music lessons, sport camps, and language immersion, so be sure to ask about our full programming for 2022. Our educators are devoted to helping build resilience, confidence, and character in children from 6 months to 12 years.

How Dance is Good for Children

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The New York City Ballet’s Nutcracker is a winter tradition for many local children. It’s a marvelous spectacle with 125 children, 90 ballet dancers, 62 musicians, and a 41-foot Christmas tree. But for kids, dance is more than dazzling. As soon as babies can stand, they’re wiggling and wobbling and dancing in their own unique ways. Dance is a natural part of physical development, but it’s also one worth cultivating formally, as there are numerous mental and physical benefits of dance for children (and adults, too, if you want to join the fun!). Continue reading to learn about some of the fascinating studies pertaining to studying dance in childhood.

Engagement and Joy

Babies find rhythm, tempo, music, and dance more engaging and enjoyable than plain speech. University of York researchers also found “the better the children are able to synchronize their movements with music, the more they smile. What better way to share joy with your child than a daddy or mommy and me class?

Lower Stress

Can dance wire the brain to cope with hardship and open up paths to learning? The short answer is: yes! Intensive arts programs in music, dance, and visual arts can lower the cortisol levels in chronically stressed, economically disadvantaged preschoolers, according to a 2016 study published in the journal Child Development. The dance classes not only developed children’s artistic abilities, but also promoted learning in math and literacy.

Better Academic Performance

Researchers are always looking for affordable interventions to help impoverished youth rise up and achieve better outcomes in school. It turns out, enrolling in dance and music study improves a child’s grades all the way through eighth grade, no matter the socioeconomic status, according to George Mason University Arts Research Center.

Brain Neuroplasticity

Dancing engages multiple brain functions at once to increase neural connectivity and flexibility. Dancing strengthens connectivity between the central and cerebral hemispheres, modifies white and grey matter in various brain regions, and integrates different brain areas to improve neuroplasticity, according to a January 2019 study published in the journal Neuroscience & Biobehavioural Reviews. This neuroplasticity is what allows the brain to strengthen connections, rewire, and relearn as necessary – all fundamental components to developing a growth mindset.

Balance and Fine Motor Control

We all want our kids to move well and with great coordination. Not surprisingly, dance programs “significantly improve” a child’s balance, fine motor skills, and the neurological processes that support movement, according to researchers in Brazil who studied 85 children in 1st to 5th grades. What surprised researchers was that the benefits of dance persist — to some degree — for months, even after a formal dance program ends.

Weight Management

Diabetic children between the ages of 8-16 were able to improve cholesterol and reduce BMI by 1.7 units with two hours of playing “Dance Dance Revolution” per week with their families. By comparison, the control group increased BMI by 1.6 units and gained an average of 17 pounds over the same time period. Yale researchers found dance more effective at reducing weight, body fat, and insulin sensitivity than traditional clinic-based weight counseling.

Physical Activity

As kids get older, it can be more and more difficult to engage them in regular physical activity, especially with the ubiquity of video games. However, video games can also be part of the solution, say researchers. The Universite de Montreal reported that games like Dance Dance Revolution and Wii Sports actually increased teen activity levels from less than 60 minutes per week to more than 100. “As less than 15% of children and adolescents currently participate regularly in physical activity, we are pleased to report that exergaming can add to regular physical activity to attain physical activity guidelines,” concluded researchers.

Join Our East End Dance Party!

If you’re interested in dance lessons, there is no better place than the brand-new Shine Studio. In studio 3, we’re pleased to feature artists-in-residence Our Fabulous Variety Show. Their classes include tap, ballet, jazz, musical theatre, acting, and improv – with a mission to help kids learn, express themselves, hone their creativity, and grow. Contact us for details.

Q&A with Shine Founder Aaron Goldschmidt: All You Need To Know About the New Creative Arts Space for Children in The Hamptons

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Shine has been the Tri-State’s leading provider of workshops, camps, pop-up classes, and events since 2004. Programming involves a unique blend of visual arts, science and nature, cooking, cultural immersion, music, and movement, geared toward ages 6 months to 12 years.

Over the years, meetings have taken place at some of the East End’s most iconic locations, like the LongHouse Reserve, Bridge Gardens, or CMEE, but Shine never really had a place to call “home base” – that is, until now!

The Shine Studio debuted to the public earlier this month. Inside, you’ll find three large studios and a café. Outside, you’ll find another café, garden space, an outdoor classroom, a stage, and direct access to the Long Pond Greenbelt trails. It’s an exciting space, designed to inspire creativity and learning.

East End parents are always looking for fun places to go. Whether you’ve experienced our programming before or this is all new to you, company founder Aaron Goldschmidt answers all your questions in this exclusive Q&A about the brand-new Shine Studio, located at 977 Bridgehampton-Sag Harbor Turnpike, Bridgehampton, NY 11932.

Q: How did you arrive at the decision to create a physical space for Shine?

Aaron Goldschmidt, Shine Founder & Director: Shine has always been a mobile, pop-up business. That was the original idea, it has served us very well, and we will continue to offer those services.  But with our popular summer camp and growing business on the East End of Long Island, it felt like the right move at the right time. Also, I am a firm believer that things happen when they are supposed to — and I found the most amazing space that just felt like home the minute I walked in. I had to take this place, even without a plan.

Q: What seasonal events are you planning for The Shine Studio that you hope people will want to come back to, year after year?

A: We are hoping to have at least one seasonal or holiday-specific event per month. We’ve only had a small Halloween party this year and are gearing up for a Family Holiday Party on Saturday, December 18th from 1-4pm. The excitement is in creating and developing events this first year that will hopefully become tradition as we continue to grow and expand!

Q: Is anything exciting coming up over winter break?

A: We will be offering Winter Break Camp at The Shine Studio from Monday, December 20th through Friday, December 31st for kids 2-11 years old.  We want families to enjoy all the innovative and creative activities they love from our popular summer camp. Activities may include: music and movement, signature Shine craft projects, visits from performing and visual artists, outdoor play, and more! Families can choose from a full day session, or morning or afternoon sessions with the option to stay for lunch. And our Grand Opening Events will be mid-January.

Q: What paint palette, materials, and design aesthetic did you choose, and why?

A: I wanted to go with a clean, beach vibe.  Most of our materials are wood, glass, and natural elements with a slight nod to ‘old-school meets modern.’ We also took a lot of inspiration from our new website, as you can see on our graffiti wall. The Shine Studio offers outdoor and indoor spaces for a wide range of our signature activities. The space was renovated by a team of craftsmen from Benenaula Construction, a local Hamptons construction company, who worked with us on every detail to make our space inviting, functional, beautiful, and modern. We wanted the space to act as a canvas for all the art and energy we are going to create here. It is truly a dream come true.

Q: Which is your personal favorite part of the space and why?

A: That is a hard question! It’s all so new, and I’m discovering things I love each day! The outdoor stage/classroom and The Shine Studio graffiti street art behind it are really special to me. But I also love the Craft Studio. I could spend all day in there.

Q: Give us a virtual tour: Tell us how the different rooms function at the studio.

A: Currently, Studio 1 is our multi-use room: perfect for classes, parties, and a variety of our programming. Studio 2 is our Arts & Crafts Studio that has been custom-designed for the sole purpose of making art!  Studio 3 is currently being used by Our Fabulous Variety Show, the first artists-in-residence as a part of our @Shine program. Their state-of-the-art dance studio will provide a permanent space for classes, rehearsals, and boundless creativity. We are excited to partner with them on joint programming and help to foster their mission of bringing accessible and inclusive arts programming to the East End.

Q: Tell us how you started working with Our Fabulous Variety Show and why we should sign up for a class.

A: I met Anita Boyer, co-founder of OFVS, a little over a year ago when I hired her to teach some dance classes for Shine. I knew immediately if I were able to open a space out here, I wanted her to be involved. Our missions really go hand-in-hand. Kids should sign up for her classes because there is no better program for kids’ dance and theater around! She has an infectious energy and undeniable talent.

Q: Can parents rent out the space for private events? What can you offer hosts and their guests?

A: Absolutely.  The Studio lends itself to being a fabulous event space for gatherings of all ages. With our outdoor space, multiple indoor venues, 1.5 kitchens, lovely bathrooms, the possibilities are really endless. While we could organize an adult craft night, we encourage grown-ups to rent the space and bring in any kind of entertainment or food they desire.

Q: Are all classes, camps, and workshops being held exclusively at the studio now, or will you continue area partnerships with places like the LongHouse Reserve?

A: That’s a very good question.  The short answer is ‘no’. Part of what we do so well is show up in the most unlikely places and run our programming.  We’re hoping that by having a permanent space we can actually attract more local artists, artisans, and specialists to come and run exciting programming year-round! In terms of summer camp, we would never give up a day at LongHouse, so we are planning on offering MWF here at The Studio, Tuesdays at LongHouse, and Thursdays as our pop-up field trip day!

Q: Do you have any drop-in times or classes available for people who have no experience with Shine to check out the space?

A: As an introductory offer, we are allowing one-offs and small class packs that can be used to try a variety of our current programs running. Anyone interested should contact krissy@shinenyc.net to inquire.

Q: How does the new studio better help Shine deliver on its mission?

A: Our mission has always been to help all children shine the light they have inside.  We have been fortunate enough not to need a permanent space for that – and, in many ways, being mobile has afforded us the opportunity to inspire even more children. But setting down roots on the East End and having a space to create, collaborate, and congregate helps to solidify us as a brand and a part of the community. We can now be a destination for anyone who wants to shine their light!

Q: What’s next?

A: If only I knew. If you would have told me, four months ago, I would be sitting in my own process and creative arts studio in the Hamptons, I never would have believed you. I love the adventure that life provides if you follow your passion, work hard, and trust your instincts. We are hoping to begin filming more videos out of The Studio, so kids all over the country can have access to our content. We are also interested in showing local artists in our gallery space, developing branded curricula for a variety of programs, and throwing some pretty awesome parties!

Well, there you have it! All are welcome to check out our new space, we’ve got a few exciting events coming up, and everything you loved about Shine is still available. Contact us at info@shinenyc.net or 212.414.5427 to plan your next visit. 

Apple Recipes To Make the Most of Your Fall Harvest

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Apple picking is an autumn rite-of-passage for many families in the East End. New York State is blessed with more than 55,000 apple orchards to choose from, including our top four East End apple farms for families.

If you’re looking for a fantastic apple this year, you’re in luck! While the growing season started cold and dry, the recent heat built up the sugar content of the apples, while the rainfall increased sizing and the cool nights enhanced the ruby red coloration.

The harvest is abundant, no matter what type of apple you prefer, with 29 to 30 million bushels available in total, on par with the five-year average. Popular Gala and Mcintosh are already available, with Honeycrisp and Fuji starting to appear. Champlain and Hudson Valley exclusives like SnapDragon and RubyFrost may not debut until mid-October.

Once you and the kids have enjoyed a day at the apple farm, you’ll have fresh-picked apples to enjoy for a good six to eight weeks if you store them in the refrigerator. If you have leftovers or like to get creative in the kitchen, we recommend the following apple-inspired recipes to whip up with your little chefs. After all, cooking together has been shown to increase math, science, and literacy skills, while fostering both independence and cooperation in children. 

Easy Apple Pie Bites

If you’re looking for a quick, easy after-school snack, look no further! Upgrade your apple slices by tucking them inside crescent rolls and topping with butter, cinnamon, and sugar. The job is easy enough for kid hands to pull off and cooled down, ready to eat, in less than 30 minutes – what more could you ask for? Get the recipe.

Apfelpfannkuchen

You may prefer calling this a “giant German apple pancake” or a “Dutch Baby,” which sounds just as cute as it is fulfilling. Some serve this as a weekend breakfast or you could prepare it on a Sunday for a quick Monday dinner paired with a hearty salad. You may consider doubling the apples, while cutting the butter and sugar rations in half, for a healthier alternative that still tastes great. Get the recipe.

Apple Crisp

You’ll need five cups of thin-sliced firm, crisp apples to make this delicious treat. The heavenly scent emanates from your oven for 50 minutes as it’s cooking is worth the effort alone! Kids will love shaking up all the ingredients in a plastic bag before dumping it into a pie pan. Don’t forget to buy French vanilla ice cream to dollop on top. Get the recipe.

Apple Bread

You may want to do the apple peeling and coring before you call the kids in to help mix the batter. The end result is a kid-pleaser that isn’t overly sweet, but makes a great breakfast — especially when warmed slightly in the microwave or toaster and spread with a thin layer of butter as you would garnish a banana bread. Get the recipe.

Apple Cheddar Tart

Midwesterners know a thing or two about gussying up their apples with complementary pairings. Few bites are more satisfying than the sticky sweetness of caramelized apple alongside salty, sharp cheddar. This recipe hails from French pastry chef Thomas Raquel who works at La Bernardin, an elite restaurant on West 51st Street, steps from MoMA. The steps are more complex than the previous recipes and involve a bit of dough rolling for an older chef’s apprentice, but we included it for the creativity and local flavor nevertheless. Get the recipe.

Hungry for More?

You can also try our Fresh Cinnamon Cranberry Apple Sauce, dice or grate apples to mix with cabbage coleslaw, grill on a skewer alongside pears and pineapples, or toss with crunchy granola, yogurt, and nuts for a quick apple parfait. If you love the idea of your child cooking, but want someone else to clean up the mess, consider adding one of Shine’s “Kitchen Stars” signature cooking classes to the mix.

Calm and Connect: Strategies for Successful Weeknights

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School has been back in session for a few weeks, with many kids returning to “in-person” education for the first time in over a year. Some children will take to the resumption of routine like a fish in water, while others may struggle. For a number of reasons, evenings may seem derailed. Whether your evenings are fraught with a zombie-like zone-out or with hysterical meltdowns over seemingly nothing at all, it can help to have a strategy in place to calm down and connect. 

Why do after-school meltdowns occur?

It can be difficult to untangle the rationale for a change in attitude and behavior. Your child’s teacher may have glowing reviews that bear little resemblance to the monstrous performance before you after 4 pm. Remember, home is a “safe place” for most kids — an environment where they can dump all their emotions without fear of rejection. The primary caregiver tends to bear the brunt of behavioral outbursts. Psychotherapist Andrea Nair calls this phenomenon the “after-school restraint collapse.” Even if the emotions of the day were largely positive, they’ve still built up over the course of the day and require release.  

Are you covering the basics?

Before you overanalyze, run through this checklist of general needs to determine if something has gotten overlooked recently (It’s all too easy!):

  • Sleep: School-age children need 10-11 hours of sleep per night to promote optimal health. If bed time has gotten pushed back, begin by adjusting 30 minutes earlier at a time until you’re back on track.
  • Food: Children eat 4-5 times a day. Inquire as to how well your child is eating at school. As soon as your child gets in the door, greet him or her with a drink and a healthy snack that combines protein and carbohydrates. Examples might be peanut butter and crackers or low-fat cheese and fruit.  
  • Schedule: While we like our children to participate in after-school activities, it can be too much for some — particularly if you’re rushing around on weekdays. Consider scaling back to one or two activities that can be done on the weekends instead.

Ready for a new Calm-and-Connect routine?

If you are pretty confident in how the household is run, but yearn for calm and connectedness, try this strategy:

  • Say hello, with a smile and a hug. Resist the urge to talk too much or ask too much.
  • Present a small snack and water.
  • Encourage quiet playtime to decompress. This can vary from child to child, but may include: coloring, a puzzle, fidget toys, reading, or TV/tablet time.
  • Either before or after dinner, work in a light fitness activity. Take a walk; have a dance party; or play a sport like basketball, tennis, or soccer.
  • Use dinner time as a moment where everyone can share something about the day.You might ask: “What was the best/worst part of your day? What’s something that made you laugh? What’s something new you learned today? Which friends did you play with today? What are you thankful for?” Some kids (especially as they get older) find it easier to open up and talk working alongside you, rather than when directly confronted, so you may alternately consider discussions while washing dishes, raking leaves, folding laundry, or playing sports together.
  • Transition comfortably through the evening activities by using a timer and gently reminding your child how much time there is before the next step.
  • Bath and a book can be a very calming evening routine for your child to let cares melt away. If you are religious, this is a great time to pray as well. If your kids need extra snuggle time, get them into the bath 15 minutes earlier and remind them that it’s for the greater good of spending more quality time together!

Calming & Connecting After-School Activities  

  • Physical Activity: Kick a soccer ball. Throw a football or baseball. Shoot a basketball. Hit a tennis ball. Do Cosmic Kids yoga. Take a walk. Visit a playground. Ride a bike. Have a tickle fight or wrestling match. Play “Red Light, Green Light,” tag, or “Mister Fox.” 
  • Craft Activity: Put together a puzzle. Construct a block tower. Sculpt with Play Doh. Dig in the sandbox. Draw, color, or paint a picture together.
  • Open-Ended Play: Organize toys into sets, stored in plastic bins. Rotate sets from the cupboard to a play table. A surprise of fresh toys can be a welcome sight for kids after a long day of highly-structured routine.

Weekend Game Plan

You may feel like two ships passing in the night during most weekdays, but all is not lost. Try to reserve a portion of the weekend for family bonding time. Aim for a balance of unstructured free play time for the kids while you catch up on household chores, plus one special activity you’ve planned. Have a Friday family movie night with popcorn. Take a cool nature hike, visit an amusement park or museum, go apple picking, attend a fall festival, visit a farm or playground, see a creative arts performance, visit with relatives, and find other ways to enjoy a few hours together.

If you’re busy, but looking for immersive, enriching activities for your children, consider signing them up for one of Shine’s classes, workshops, or camps this year. We take the stress out of planning crafts, field trips, and educational opportunities, so you and your child just experience the fun.

Tips For Your Family’s First Drive-In Movie Experience

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If there’s one silver lining of the COVID-19 Pandemic restrictions, it’s perhaps the surging popularity of drive-in movies. What once may have been viewed as antiquity is now a practical way to social distance and enjoy a film or two.

A Brief History of the Drive-In

Informal drive-ins date back to 1910, but the first patented experience is said to be the Park-In Theaters in Camden, NJ, circa 1933. Back then, a movie cost a quarter per car and a quarter per person, but never more than $1. The first showing was a not-so-family-friendly feature called “Wives Beware” about a man who faked amnesia to pursue multiple women, but it was a wild success, attracting patrons from 43 states.

Where To See a Drive-In Movie in NYC and the East End

Today, the drive-in is a fun and unique experience, with ample opportunities for NYC families to partake. Upcoming area attractions include: 

  • Wall-E (8/28), Superman (8/31)

Skyline Drive-In (1 Oak St, Brooklyn, NY 11222)

Cost: $55 per car or $19.49 per outdoor seat

  • Willy Wonka (8/27), Wizard of Oz (8/28)

Camp Pouch Drive-In Movie Series (1465 Manor Road, Staten Island)

Cost: $40/car, $10/lawn

  • Spiderman Homecoming (8/28)

Brookhaven Town Hall Parking Lot (1 Independence Hill, Farmingville, Long Island)

Cost: $20 to benefit Boy Scout Troop 454

  • Raya and the Last Dragon (9/24)

Callahan’s Beach (Route 25A, Fort Salonga, NY 11768)

Cost: $10/car

Also, check out the NYC Parks Department website for more pop-up “Movies Under the Stars.”

Follow these tips to hit up the local drive-ins like a seasoned pro:

Make your vehicle more comfortable.

Dress the kids in their pajamas. Bring pillows and blankets to make the car comfortable. If you have a truck, van, or hatchback, you may consider parking backward and throwing an air mattress in the back of your vehicle for supreme comfort. Just be sure to bring Bungee cords, in case the venue requires you to keep your hatch secured below roof-level so as not to obstruct others’ views. Be sure you know where all the light switches are, in case you want to leave a door or hatch open during the show. A small trash can will keep all your popcorn bags, empty juice boxes, and candy wrappers under control. Plates, napkins, cups, and baby wipes are always good to have on hand. If you like the idea of movies under the stars, you might also set up picnic blankets, camp chairs, or inflatable air loungers outside of your vehicle to enjoy the show.   

Plan how you’ll listen to the audio.

There are three options for hearing the film through its designated radio frequency. Either you leave your vehicle running the entire time, creating exhaust and draining your vehicle’s battery; OR you turn your car off and turn it on every 30 minutes or so to recharge the battery; OR you bring a portable FM radio with extra batteries. A solar-powered radio saves you the hassle of batteries altogether.  

Network with friends.

It can be fun to head out to the event with family or friends. Kids especially love the social aspect of going to a drive-in film with cousins and their pals. You can communicate by smartphone or two-way radios if you’re not parked alongside one another.

Arrive early.

Events are often crowded, so you’ll want to arrive 30 to 60 minutes before showtime to get a good parking spot with prime viewing and easy access to the exit. If you’re in a truck or SUV, you may not be allowed to park front and center. Bring board games, books, art supplies, frisbees, soccer balls, a deck of cards, a glow-in-the-dark football, or tablets to occupy your children in the meantime.

Be ready for bathroom breaks.

A flashlight will come in handy if you have kids who will need a restroom during the show. Make sure YOU are in control of the light, so your child does not disturb others. Bug spray is a wise item to pack, as we are into late summer now. Hand sanitizer is another good bet, just in case the restrooms are less-than-accommodating.

Bring food if you can.

Many concession stands are closed now, due to COVID, but some establishments have rules about bringing in outside treats. Read up on the drive-in you’ll be attending beforehand and plan accordingly. You may be able to arrive early and set up a grill or bring takeout pizza. Consider bringing the essentials: popcorn, candy, homemade chocolate chip cookies, soft pretzels with cheese dip, and a cooler with cans of soda. Adults may want to bring a Thermos of coffee to plan for a late night.

Does your child love The Arts? Check out Shine’s Stage Lights class for ages 3-5, 6-7, or 8-10. This performance-based class brings familiar stories to life using music, movement, games, puppets, and more.

11 Benefits of Extracurricular Activities for Children

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Every autumn represents a shift in the schedule, inviting families to decide how they would like to spend their time. While there is plenty of value in unstructured play time outside of school, there is also the danger of screens occupying every spare minute of this idleness. We may also suspect our children are missing out on something greater if they aren’t enrolled in at least one extracurricular activity. Regardless of the particular activities your children gravitate toward, there are ample benefits for their personal development – including some that last a lifetime. 

Benefits of Extracurricular Activities for Kids

Expanded Social Network: Your children can develop friendships with like-minded children, beyond the typical school environment. Less formal environments make it easier for shy kids to communicate with others. Identification with a community of peers can give children a broader sense of family and belonging. Some of these communications can lead to leadership positions within the organization or future job opportunities.

Life Skill Development: Children can pick up a variety of life skills from extracurricular participation, including how to: work in a group; manage time and organize tasks; problem-solve and persevere; win and lose graciously; lead and disseminate information to others; exercise patience; think critically; and adapt to constructive criticism.  

Boosted Academic Performance: Texas A&M University found that extracurricular participation is associated with better reading and math engagement, grades, and achievement. Extracurriculars exercise brain areas involved in memory, creativity, and critical thinking.

Thrive on Meaningful Routine: Consistent, scheduled activities help children anticipate what will happen next in their world, which increases a sense of security, control, and confidence. Parental involvement in their children’s extracurricular world is a powerful way to engage young people in the community at large. Activities supported by parents create a similar intervention to parent-teacher conferences, spiritual services, and local volunteer work.

Positive Peer Pressure: Kids in clubs, sports, and activities throughout middle school experience positive pressure to make the best use of their spare time and are less likely to get involved in drugs or alcohol.

Willingness To Try New Things: Kids involved in extracurricular activities express healthy curiosity and a willingness to try new activities they may not be exposed to during the course of a normal school day or at home. Providing your children with a structured environment to learn, try new activities, and develop skills encourages your child to become a well-rounded adult.

Skill Development: Gaining proficiency in a particular interest builds a strong basis for confidence and self-esteem. Through exploration of a new field of study, kids not only learn a new skill, but cultivate passions and learn about themselves, too.

Discipline Kids on sports teams quickly lean that the rest of the group relies on their participation over the course of the season. Parents, coaches, teammates, and even teachers all reinforce the value of committing and sticking with an activity through the end. Children must exercise discipline to remain engaged week after week. 

Empathy: A cultural club can increase exposure to other cultures, boosting understanding and empathy. Volunteer opportunities and community service can also broaden one’s perspective of the world, while building connections that can last well into the future.   

Physical Health: Many extracurriculars are movement-based, whether dance, karate, gymnastics, nature clubs, or sports leagues. Research shows kids who exercise regularly are at lower risk for high cholesterol and blood pressure, low bone density, metabolic syndrome and obesity, sleeping difficulties, and depression. Participating in exercise activities helps kids reach the goal of getting 60+ minutes of moderate activity per day.  

Mental Health: Adolescents who participate in extracurricular activities spend less time on screens, demonstrating higher levels of life satisfaction and optimism, as well as lower incidence of anxiety and depression. Children with a negative attitude toward school become more engaged. The National Center for Education Statistics has found that participation in sports, clubs, and after-school classes correlates with improved attendance, academic performance, and the desire to pursue higher education.

Get Your Kids Involved at Shine

Shine offers a number of extracurricular activities to enrich your child’s life. Try one of these classes in the fall:

  • The Garden Project (Ages 3-5, 5-7, 8-10) – Explore art and nature at Bridge Gardens.
  • Little Lanterns (Ages 4-10) – Learn Mandarin Chinese through art, music, STEM, and cultural studies.
  • Listillos (Ages 2-10) – Learn Spanish through immersion in art, music, storytelling, motion, and games.
  • Stage Lights (Ages 3-5, 6-7, 8-10) – Bring stories to life through games, puppets, music, and theater.
  • Globe Trekkers (Ages 4-10) – Study international art, culture, music, flavors, and games.
  • Block Party (Ages 4-10) – Play with LEGOs, explore architecture, and think outside the box.

Check out our website for more fabulous class ideas or contact us to inquire about customized programming.

Ways To Promote Your Child’s Mental and Emotional Health Every Day

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While much of the world has gone back to normal, many of us are still painfully aware of the mental and emotional toll the COVID-19 pandemic had on our children. Hospitals have seen a 24% surge in mental health related emergency room visits for patients ages 5-11 over the last year. One in six US children will have a mental, behavioral, or developmental disorder behavior diagnosed by eight years of age, according to the CDC.

The trends are troubling, but parents hold a lot of power to maintain a healthy, happy household. Beyond providing basic food, clothing, shelter, hygiene, nutrition, a good night’s sleep, and access to education, positive parenting involves routines, quality down-time, and carefully-chosen words.

Enjoy Dinner Together

With busy work, school, and sports schedules, it can be difficult to coordinate a time where everyone is available for dinner. It can be all too easy to switch on the television while eating or rush through the meal to get to another activity. However, the benefits of quality family dinner time are well-researched.

Kids who cook with their parents consume more fruits, vegetables, and healthy foods. Hands-on cooking activities help children develop skills, independence, problem-solving techniques, and self-confidence. You’re promoting fine motor skills, hand-eye coordination, and creativity, while spending screen-free time together. 

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University compared teens who ate dinner with their parents less than twice a week with those who had family dinner 5-7 days a week. Eating with the family correlated with teens who were 4x less likely to smoke, 2.5x less likely to use drugs, and half as likely to drink alcohol. This group was more likely to achieve better grades and half as likely to require treatment for depression, anxiety, or other emotional problems.

At dinner time, ask your child about friends, social events, school learning, current events, and issues of concern. Play games like “I Spy” or try these fun family dinner conversation starters. After dinner, give your child an important role to play – whether it’s the dish-rinser, counter-wiper, table-cleaner, or floor-sweeper. After all, one 25-year study found that the biggest predictor for the success of young adults in their mid-20s was whether they participated in household chores in early childhood.

Play Games That Teach About Emotions

Children learn so much through play. Emotional regulation, social cues, and body management are all teachable through games. They may seem silly to you, but young children find them memorable and enjoyable.

  • Are you feeling more like a star fish or like a tornado? Managing internal energy stores is a big component of self-regulation. Help your child recognize their own energy levels by periodically asking this question throughout the day. Reinforce that your child can always try to use a calming skill or ask an adult for help when they’re feeling like a tornado. If you’re playing in the morning and your child is feeling peaceful as a starfish, you might say, “It sounds like a great time to snuggle and watch cartoons!” If your child is feeling like a tornado, you might say, “How many times can you run up and down the stairs in one minute?” or “How high can you bounce this ball to release that energy?”
  • What can you spy with your binocular eyes? On a trip to the playground, teach your child to slow down, observe, pick up on social cues, and choose how to behave. Hold your fingers like circles and pretend to peer through binoculars, while sharing details about what you see. “I see a girl who looks worried at the top of the slide,” you might say, or “I see there’s room on the swings.” When your child sees someone hurt or sad, there may be an opportunity for an intervention. If your child sees that the swings are occupied, perhaps the slide is a better alternative.
  • What would you like to do tonight? Start a tradition where, one night a week, your family takes turns planning a fun night. This could include which dinner to have, what movie to watch, what game to play, or what theme to celebrate. Create a score card of social-emotional skills like “Waiting my turn,” “Staying calm when doing something I don’t like,” “Trying something new,” “Sharing attention,” or “Using my words to share how I feel,” or “Making a thoughtful decision.” Have everyone rate themselves and talk about what is working well and what could use improvement.

Put Down Your Phone

According to researchers at Wharton and Drexel universities, it’s not the number of hours you spend with your children each day that predicts your child’s physical and emotional health; it’s how present you are. Your child knows when you’re stressed out, too busy, and mentally preoccupied.

Thirty minutes of focused, undistracted attention is better than 60 minutes of sitting with your child while surfing social media or checking work emails. When you need to respond to an urgent message, explain to your child why you’re on a device. You might say, “I need 15 minutes to send a few emails and then we’ll go outside and play soccer.” 

The question of what to do in this time spent together is subjective, but you might try:

  • Getting down on the floor and playing what your child loves, whether it’s dolls, Legos, or a tea party.
  • Play old-school favorites like Mr. Fox, Hide-and-Seek, Peek-a-Boo, or Red-Light Green-Light.
  • Have a dance party with upbeat music you and your child love. If you’ve got a party light, even better.
  • Go outside with your child. Hike, bike, kick the soccer ball, toss a football or frisbee, draw with chalk.
  • Play classic board games like Trouble, Clue Jr, Connect 4, Candyland, Life, or Guess Who.
  • Rough and tumble play – wrestling, building forts, pillow-fighting, and battling imaginary villains.
  • Start a family hobby like Yoga, Knitting, Scrapbooking, Science, Magic, or a Musical Instrument.
  • Grab a bowl of popcorn, a blanket, and a movie. Here’s a list of 100 movies to see before kids grow up.

Positivity and Praise

Positivity and praise sets a strong foundation for your child to develop self-love. Praise shouldn’t be dealt out lightly and you’ll want to choose your words wisely. Avoid comparing your child to others, praising innate good looks or talent, and praising achievement. Instead, praise the process and the things your child can control – like effort, persistence, patience, focus, listening skills, attention to detail, or attitude. 

Self-esteem begins at home. Build positivity and praise into each day:

  • Hug your child and say “I love you so much” to start the day off right.
  • Catch your child being good at least three times a day.
  • Praise people skills: “You’re such a good helper!” or “You were sharing so nicely.”
  • Praise effort: “Wow, you were so patient!” “You never gave up!” “You really tried your best.”
  • Be specific: “I love how you colored in the lines,” or “What a beautiful combination of colors you chose.”
  • Remark upon kind behaviors and say, “Let’s talk about what kind of person you chose to be right now.”
  • Tell someone else about something positive your child said or did – and let them overhear you.

Life won’t always be full of praiseworthy moments, but you can use words of encouragement to get through the most trying times. For instance, if your child is upset trying to tie shoelaces, you could say, “Ah, laces are so tricky! But I love how you’re sticking with it, even though it’s hard. You’ll get it if you keep practicing. Your fingers will get stronger and you’ll remember it better each time.” 

Check-In Before Bed Each Night

Set aside as much time as possible for evening rejuvenation. When your child resists with, “I have to go to bed now?!” gently remind, “No, I just want to spend some time with you.” Allow your child a little play time in a bubble bath. Prepare a small snack or drink to enjoy with a couple books. When that’s all through, you’re your child a good 10 or 15 minutes of your complete, undivided attention, along with a snuggle.

Try these conversation starters:

“What emotions did you feel today?” or “Is there anything you want to share that’s difficult to say?”

Simply asking “how are you” often fails to elicit the response we’re looking for – instead getting a “fine,” “okay,” or “good.” Similarly, asking “what’s wrong” is likely to get an abject “nothing” or an “I don’t know.” Framing the question to focus on emotions is more likely to conjure up stories from the day where your child felt proud, excited, worried, or frustrated. By asking about feelings, you’re showing your child it’s okay to trust and confide in you. You’re showing empathy. If your child does open up, listen without judgement. Resist the urge to “fix it” or give unsolicited advice. Try saying, “I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I am here for you. I love you.” Ask questions like, “What did you do?” or “Did you know I had a time where I felt like that too?”   

“What happened today that made you smile, laugh, or feel happy?” or “What were you grateful for?”

Avoid asking a “yes” or “no” question. This open-ended inquiry shows your child you care about his or her day. There may not always be an answer, but you’ll be glad you asked on those days where your child is brimming with joyful stories. It’s a great follow-up after talking about the more difficult parts of the day and a reminder that a few bad moments don’t necessarily make for a bad day or life. While half of what makes us happy is rooted in our DNA, another 40% comes from intentional activity – from taking the time to reflect and practice gratitude. If you are religious, you may consider weaving a prayer into your evening routine.    

Plan Something Special.

There’s a lot in this article to consider. We’re not advising that your drop all obligations and let the world revolve around your child. A few key moments over the course of the day can go a long way. Maybe you’ll just have short 10 minutes bursts or 30 minutes of uninterrupted time in a day to really give your all. The fact that you’ve read this far shows that you’re trying your best and you truly care about the wellbeing of your offspring.

Maybe you didn’t have as much time as you would have liked today, but you can always plan ahead. If you’re looking for additional ways to connect with your child and support mental health in the future, consider one of Shine’s fun camps, workshops, classes, virtual craft sessions, field trips, or parties. Our ongoing, year-round programming provides East End families with enriching experiences that build memories for years to come. Contact us for details about current availability.

Experience East End Gardens and Farms

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Shine’s “Pop-up Field Trip Thursdays” invite you and your child to take a trip to the best gardens and farms the East End has to offer to enjoy our local bounty. This has been one of our favorite pastimes for years now, as we cultivate deeper community relationships with the good people who produce our food. We believe gardening and farming experiences enrich the mind, body, and soul of children and adults alike. There are still spaces available if you’d like to join us.   

Gardening and Farming are Ideal Summer Activities for Children

Young children can practice a number of developing skills – from locomotion and muscle management as they ambulate around the dirt rows, to fine motor control as they grasp trowels and pick up seeds.

Research tells us children are more likely to eat healthy when they see how food is grown and prepared. Kids are also less likely to suffer from asthma and more likely to have healthy immune systems when they interact with farm microbiota.

The fresh air, moderate-to-high exercise, and sensory stimulation intrigue both mind and body. Learning the different names of foods and animals on the farm helps develop burgeoning literacy skills. For kids with attention deficits or hyperactivity disorders, regular green time has been shown to reduce adverse symptoms.

Kids love making mud pies, building stick forts, and having outdoor adventures, but all too often they’re glued to a screen. Engaging in nature play improves fitness, learning capacity, and social-emotional development. Free playing at a farm or garden setting promotes imagination, cooperation, and resilience.

New York’s East End is Blessed with Beautiful Gardens and Farms

A few of our favorite Thursday field trips include:

Amber Waves Farm

Kids enjoy participating in farm chores, walking through the chicken barn, taking a foraging hike, picnicking, story time, and puppet theater shows. They learn about composting, seed planting, natural crafting, and cooking. The farm itself grows over 350 vegetables, herbs, cut flowers, and grains.

Bridge Gardens

The Peconic Land Trust runs a great farm-to-table program at Bridge Gardens in the summer that teaches children about the plant life cycle and sustainable gardening through song, story, and fun take-home projects. This five-acre gem offers beautiful landscapes to walk through, complete with community gardens and art sculptures as well.

Madoo Conservancy

Madoo is about discovery and adventure. Children enjoy painting, crafting, storytelling, art exhibitions, music lessons, and picnicking in the gardens. The atmosphere is far from stuffy. Children are encouraged to run around until their hearts’ content. 

Longhouse Reserve

The Longhouse Reserve specializes in art and music programs for children. From the Yoko Ono chess board and the red garden, to dry woodlands and playful second lawn — the whimsical sculptures and well-cultivated spaces spark the imagination.

Ready To Get Out Into Nature?

Gather with like-minded friends for a Shine field trip. We work closely with each venue to create fun, age-appropriate activities that leave a lasting impact. Our enriching combination of art, culture, music, culinary, and fitness activities are beloved by families across the East End. Contact us for details on our next Thursday adventure.

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